My Husband Cheated With My Bestfriend – Part 2
… My Husband Cheated with My Bestfriend – Part 1
Chrissy’s first gut instinct was that she pretty much didn’t want the marriage to end. Even as she was dealing with the initial shock of her discovery, she knew she didn’t want the marriage over. She had three boys, time invested in her marriage, all their assets were in both their names and the biggest shock of all that she reported, was that she still loved Allen. Yes she was angry and mortified and wounded, but she still loved him.
She had always told herself that if Allen ever cheated on her, she’d walk out and not look back! That all changed though when the reality of her situation hit her.
What we advised Cheryl to do was to take a deep breath and sit down with Allen and talk and listen.
It took them days to come to the point where they could sit down together, but they knew they had to. What Chrissy found out was that her marriage had been going downhill around the birth of their second son – four years! Allen had felt more and more pushed out with the birth of their children and had he’d never felt he could bring it up to Chrissy.
Chrissy didn’t really know where to go and what to do. Worse of all, she no longer had her ‘bestfriend’ who she had decided never to see again, to talk to about it. So she contacted us.
Our advice was for the two of them to face up to where they were in their relationship and to come clean to each other. What had gone wrong in their relationship? How they specifically wanted to go forward/what would their ideal relationship look like?
Chrissy explained that she wanted to work, she wanted her own life but she still wanted to be a wife and mother. They carved out what we call “Sacred Time” which basically means time for the two of them to spend together without the children, doing something that they both enjoy. “Sacred Time” is time that is set in concrete and can only be changed for real emergencies.
What they also had to deal with was the deep betrayal that Chrissy felt and the shame that Allen felt. Allen admitted that he hadn’t fully grasped the level of deceit that his actions had brought him to. He fully accepted that he was to blame for his adultery but he also felt that the demise of the marriage was something they had both contributed. Which might seem disingenuous, but in that he’s right.
Chrissy’s thoughts are that it would:
Take her a helluva long time to trust him again!
Time! Recovering from adultery and the ripples and shock waves that adultery and cheating causes in a marriage/relationship takes time and work.
Chrissy and Allen have a long way to go, but they both have a clear and specific place that they want to get to and they want to get there together!
Gaslighting – Is Your Cheating Spouse Gaslighting You?
A cunning cheating spouse will go far to protect that “have their cake and eat it situation” they have going on. They will even go as far as to play havoc with your mind and attempt to screw you that way!
It’s called “Gaslighting!” and it has to be one of the most cruelest aspects of having to deal with a cheating spouse.
What is Gaslighting?
Put simply, Gaslighting is when you confront your cheating lying spouse and point blank ask “what’s going on with her in accounts?” Your spouse answers you by denying anything’s going on. He tells you it’s all in your mind, you’re crazy and he’s sick of being accused and spied on when he’s done nothing wrong.
You are left feeling guilty and ashamed that you could’ve even thought he would cheat on you, never mind the fact that you’ve actually come out and accused him of cheating on you! You’re mortified with yourself!
You apologize and tell him you do trust him, you just made a silly mistake and tell him you’ll never do it again!
Guess what? You’ve just been Gaslighted!
Gaslighting is a vicious psychological technique that is used on the unsuspecting and the trusting to undermine them and get them to start doubting their own minds.
Could anything be more cruel?
When you discover you’ve been Gaslighted there are usually two emotions: “I knew I was right!” and “Why?” which both lead to anger and sadness.
Don’t doubt yourself! If you have good reason to wonder and to question, don’t let a selfish and cruel spouse undermine you.
